


Down with the Sickness

by FullElven



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 12:39:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9820889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullElven/pseuds/FullElven
Summary: Yuuri has a particularly bad anxiety attack, and has spent the past three days in bed, secluded and unable to handle anyone around. Victor is worried, but will his patience and understanding be enough to help Yuuri weather this storm?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Content Warning: Contains pretty vivid descriptions of panic/anxiety attacks, as well as a brief moment of implied suicidal ideation.

Frost silently crept up the window, barring the ability to see out the panes ‘til about midway up. It muted the morning sun’s rays as it tried to burn through it to warm the body that lay beneath one too many blankets in the darkened room within. Yuuri hadn’t been out of bed for three days…and it wasn’t looking as if today would be any different.

Victor frowned, staring at the door to his room, lightly placing his hand against the cool wood as he closed his eyes. Yuuri got like this sometimes, and often it was hard to see coming. For the most part, Victor had learned to head off his anxiety, at least, when they knew certain triggers were going to be there. He made sure he had an extra set of earbuds with them at competitions, just in case something happened to Yuuri’s. He’d purchased an external battery pack a few months back, so he’d never have to be without his music when he needed it most.

If they had a competition at a rink new to them, they visited together early, just to scope out the best, secluded places to prepare…as well as learn the lay of it.  Victor had learned that while Yuuri often thrived on proving to people that he was better than they might think, sometimes it was to himself that he needed to prove it to…and that confidence could falter without warning.

There were other times, however, when the darkness would creep up and steal the light from his Yuuri’s eyes seemingly unprovoked. It didn’t matter where they were. Competition, restaurant, bus, or even at night within one another’s arms as they watched television. Sometimes, it would grip to his lover’s chest and steal his breath like death’s kiss had tasted his lips when he wasn’t looking. Sometimes, it’d manifest in him eating just _one more_ pork cutlet bowl than he had room for, like he was trying to somehow make sure there was no room for what had already wrestled its way within him and had its hold on him…

Victor hated those times when even Yuuri didn’t feel it coming until it was too late. Until it was an innocent picture with Chris where it looked like perhaps they were having _too_ much naked fun in the hot spring, or a simple hand on the shoulder, and suddenly the world became a terrifying and unfamiliar place for his little ice angel. Up became down, left became right, and logic refused to take root as much as Yuuri told himself that he knew nothing was wrong.

His brain and body would fight against his heart of hearts, and ultimately…they won. They’d won three days prior where an overly busy holiday market and an overzealous gaggle of fans had taken them off guard. Victor remembered how Yuuri hadn’t said a single word to the well-meaning girls, but turned on heel and began heading back off the other way, tugging his scarf free. By the time he had caught up to Yuuri, simply touching his shoulder had unleashed it. He spun, shouting at him as tears streaked down his cheeks.

It was hard, it was _always_ hard seeing Yuuri get like that, knowing that he was at a point where what Victor was good at—touches and other physical reassurances—were no longer valid. The air around Yuuri was off limits just every much as that same air was making him feel as if the ground was splitting and swallowing him whole as they stood there. Sometimes, talking too much made it even more unbearable for him, so he stayed quiet, stayed visible, and just let Yuuri shout his way through it. He watched him, tried to find any queues of what he needed, and didn’t let that _‘do you talk just to hear yourself talk?’_ comment not sting so much.

The panic episodes locked him in a state of fight or flight where most everything was the enemy, whether he meant for it to be or not, and thus Victor could only follow him home to make sure he got there safely, and let him take care of it himself that time.

_Three days._ Victor’s heart ached for him.

“I love you…” Victor said through the door, quiet and gentle. He’d taken to doing this often through the days past, not wanting to cause too much input for him, but wanting him to know he was there if he could handle him. That there was an option beyond the emptiness of his room.

To his surprise, he heard his voice in reply. “…I can’t do this anymore…”

Ice water flooded his veins and he pressed his forehead against the door, swallowing against a lump in his throat. His words, his tone, it was as if he’d given up…as if he’d fallen so far down the rabbit hole, he no longer could see the light of day. As if he thought he was hopeless to ever find a way out… “You can…” he said quietly. “Yuuri…you’re the strongest person I know.”

“…I can’t. I’m weak. I’m tired of fighting.” He heard Yuuri’s voice crack, and it shattered his heart.

“No one thinks you’re weak…least of all me,” he said quietly, bringing that gold band to his lips to touch it to them. “You’ve been fighting for three days, but you’ve _survived_ three days. If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is.”

He listened, quietly, his breath held…hoping that Yuuri would keep reaching out to him. That he was speaking to him was a step in the right direction.

“Keep fighting, Yuuri…I believe in you.”

He heard a sharp breath before his love began to sob, his words bringing just enough weight to break the apathetic shell that had locked him in with those terrible, terrible feelings. The cathartic wrecking ball had torn enough of his anxious prison to crumble a wall, and let him see a beam of light from beneath the door. “ _Victor…_ ”

A sweating palm gripped the doorknob, cracking the door open just slightly, wanting to be sure that was the sign he had been waiting for. When no complaint was sounded, he slid in and closed it behind him. Just a couple long strides closed the distance between them, and he slid onto the bed to cradle Yuuri into his arms. The force of those sobs sounded painful in his smaller frame, and it was all Victor could do to just hold him in his protective, loving grasp.

Yuuri turned to cry against his chest, a million thoughts of things he wanted to say to him filling his mind and just making the tears come harder. Apologies, thanks, affection…it came far too quickly, vying for priority to make its way out of his mouth, and instead overwhelmed him into a non-verbal sobbing mess instead. Minutes they lay there like that, Victor rubbing his back in slow circles.

He cried until his breath came in near hiccups when no more tears were left. “I-I’m…s-so…s-sorry Victor…” He said quietly, emotion rendering his voice rough and a little deeper.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Yuuri,” Victor reassured. “You reached out to me when you were ready. I am here for you.”

“I was t-terrible to you…” he stuttered, remembering the night it started, the hurtful things he’d thrown at him when everything was too much and all over.

“You were scared, I understood then, as I do now. I’ve learned by now, how the anxiety gets you when it’s bad,” Victor whispered, kissing his forehead where his dark hair parted. “We’ll work through this, as we always do.”

“Victor?” He whispered, pulling back some. Victor loosened their embrace so that his green eyes could meet those beautiful brown depths of his. “I love you.”

Victor smiled at _his_ Yuuri, and slid gentle fingers through his bed-mussed hair. “And I love you, Yuuri.”

No ‘I love you, too,’ but simply _I love you_. He loved Yuuri not because he was love in return and it was expected, but simply because he had always loved him.

Yuuri smiled, not quite meeting his eyes just yet, but Victor knew in time it’d fully return. He took Yuuri’s hand, their bands shining in what little sunlight had fought its way through, and held them to their hearts as he leaned down to kiss him gently. The bed…was no longer a swirling abyss through which Yuuri constantly fell, but simply a bed again. Warmth spread through his limbs, and though they tingled a little still, he could _feel_ them again.

The weight had left his chest, and left room for love to fill him with life once more. It wasn’t the first time that he’d been down with that terrible, terrible sickness of his mind and it likely wouldn’t be the last. With _his_ Victor was by his side, helping him learn to navigate the darkness when it became too thick, he had no doubts they could make it through again.

Fin.


End file.
